PART THREE – How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking

1.  Avoid Arguments, You cannot win

“A mind convinced against its will is of . . . → Read More: What Dale Carnegie Taught Me – Part IIIa]]>

The 3rd section of the book and principles 1-6. A continuation of  what I’ve learned from Dale Carnegie and the masterpiece “How to Win Friends and Influence People”….

PART THREE – How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking

1.  Avoid Arguments, You cannot win

“A mind convinced against its will is of the same opinion still” – I love that quote.

I also learned about the success of Ben Franklin

2. Show Respect for the other person’s opinions

Can you see how (if you were in the other persons shoes, had their background and experience) might come to their conclusions? A major part of success in dealing with people is the simple, most basic, realization that not everyone sees the world exactly the same as you do. Things that are obvious to you may not at all trigger their nervous system in the same way. Not any of can truly “see reality” exactly the same. So, we need some respect for other’s opinion.

3. If  You are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically

This might be my favorite and I have used it throughout my entire career. As a consultant, you are often expected to “know everything” and to be the expert. The one thing that years of consulting has taught me is that you cannot possibly know everything. I’ve turned many a meeting around from a very contentious demeanor into a constructive conversation simply by quickly and emphatically admitting our mistakes. It is amazing how many times, the other party has quickly backed off their “attack” and (just like in the book) begins to come up with excuses as to why we made the mistakes, and how the situation wasn’t really completely our fault, etc…. I am still stunned when this happens but I’ve seen it time and again. Want to turn around a tough situation, open your heart, and admit your mistakes…..

4. Begin in a friendly way

The technique of making people believe your ideas are theirs is very powerful when done right. I’ve seen this used masterfully by experienced negotiators and consultants. I have to admit this is a technique that I use regularly. The default thought process is that in order to build identity, you want your ideas to be recognized and so you want to take credit. What I’ve found however through observation and experience is that its about “results” and not necessarily whose idea it is. Being continuously associated with successful outcomes vs. being the person with “the good idea” is a much more productive way to build credibility and launch your career. Giving up ideas and getting results is what it is all about.

5.  Get the other person saying “yes” “yes” immediately

This is a classic in negotiations techniques. Once we start saying “yes” it is physically difficult to switch over and say “no”. There is interia. Very powerful when you can plan out the conversation.  There’s a flip side to this that I learned from Dr. Cialdini  in his book on Influence about asking an immediate follow up question when you get a “no”. People don’t like to say “no” over and over to someone face to face. They want to help others… Get them saying “yes” and you build momentum.

6. Let the Other Person do a great deal of the talking

Being somewhat shy in nature, this one was easy for me but it works quite well. I may have in fact, attracted the love of my life using this principle. She tells me all the time that I am a “good listener”. People work out problems and issues themselves and often just need  a sounding board. They appreciate your company and the “help” you provide simply by being there while they talked it out with themselves…

I’m really enjoying this recap of my favorite book and there’s more to come in the next post…

As always, I heartily appreciate your comments, ideas, suggestions, etc.

PART TWO – Six ways to make people like you

1.  Become Genuinely Interested in Other People

As Dale points out, have you seen how happy a dog is to meet you?

Can you think . . . → Read More: What Dale Carnegie Taught Me… Part II.]]>

The 2nd section of the book and what I’ve learned from Dale Carnegie and the masterpiece “How to Win Friends and Influence People”….

PART TWO – Six ways to make people like you

1.  Become Genuinely Interested in Other People

As Dale points out, have you seen how happy a dog is to meet you?

Can you think of how magical it is when you meet someone, who remembers something you had an interest in, and then the next time you meet them, they not only remember, but they’ve done something related for you, or passed on some information to you that is helpful? Do you feel obligated to them in some way?

When you step into someone’s office, what can you notice about the office? Pictures, items on the walls, the decorations… These are all clues to what people might be interested in. If you can find something in common that you are for real interested in, ask about it. Make sure the interest is genuine however because this too can seem manipulative if you are not “genuinely” interested.  I’ve used the opposite factor as well. If I see some hobby or other subject that I have absolutely zero experience or background with, I might ask about that as well..

2.  Smile

What is there to say about this principle that hasn’t been stated thousands of times… Smile on the phone as well as in person. It comes through in your voice and it sends physical signals through your nervous system that actually triggers an improvement in your mood.  A smile even when you are in a non-productive mood can work in reverse and improve your mood (the physical triggers the mental)

3. A Person’s Name is to that Person the Sweetest and Most Important Sound in any Language

Most people I know use the excuse “I am really bad at remembering names”. Well, what are you doing to get better at it? Practice repetion inside your head.. Write their name down (heck, even explain “Historically I have had trouble remembering people’s names and I want to make sure I get yours right so can you spell it for me?” ). Writing, speaking and reading all at the same time, you’ll remember their name (or anything else for that matter) that much faster and easier.

I have seen this principal used masterfully by a number of consultants and sales people but  I have also seen it overused and comes off as manipulative and intentional. If used masterfully, there is very little “defense” against this and if used incorrectly, there is very little you can do to overcome the wall of defensiveness that rises between you.

4. Be a Good Listener – Encourage Others to Talk About Themselves

My father used to tell me all the time that God gave you two ears and one mouth for a reason: To learn to listen more and talk less (obviously I still carry that around and value the advice).

I love the example in the book about the woman who wants to talk about her travels and how the conversation was shifted to allow her to do so. That one sticks in my mind continually and I use it as a guideline for conversations. This does trace back to #1 above too.

5. Talk in terms of the other person’s interest

I personally have learned to use this technique to help overcome a deep level of shyness. If I ask the other person a lot of questions about themselves (again it needs to be a genuine interest like #1 above) I don’t have to talk as much about me….

I have also see this principle overused by many people trying to build a level of conversation, but it is abundantly clear in their voice or in their behavior (they don’t listen to the answers of the questions they ask) that they really aren’t that interested, they are just asking to make conversation. That’s something to keep in mind.

6. Make the other person feel important: Do it Sincerely

As the book points out, we all have desires to be appreciated and noticed. Our identity is a major concern for any human being. We desire our own “brand” and some will spend lifetimes and millions of dollars to build it, even at their own peril or ruin.

I loved the story about the man dealing with the IRS agent and how he de-emphasizes the issue they were currently arguing about and makes the agent feel more important and starts to bring the agent around to his way of thinking.

Again, there’s a balance here and flattery will get you no where. The importance has to be real, the appreciation has to be real.

PART III Tomorrow…  As always, I heartily appreciate your comments, ideas, suggestions, etc.

I first picked up this book in college to work on overcoming a terrible shyness and fear of meeting people.

Over . . . → Read More: What Dale Carnegie Taught Me….Part I.]]>

One of my all time favorite books (and one that I’ve probably read and/or listened to more than50 times) is Dale Carnegie’s “How to Win Friends and Influence People“.

I first picked up this book in college to work on overcoming a terrible shyness and fear of meeting people.

Over the years it has served as a near constant companion in my car during commutes and driving to visit customers (In 1997 I put 45,000 miles on the car  and Dale was with me nearly every mile). While I never personally attended a Dale Carnegie Course, early in my career I had the pleasure to work with an electrical engineer who was very quiet and often mumbled and was difficult to understand. Our mutual manager suggested that he attend a Dale Carnegie Course and he accepted. You would not believe the transition in this person over the next few months. I was literally like night and day with him. Since then, I’ve been sold on the application of the principals.

Anyone who wants to improve their business, their career or personal success and doesn’t live in a cave or deserted island, that this book is absolutely required reading. In fact, I might go so far as to say that it is required reading to stay employed in today’s global economy.

If you have read it already, pick it up again this summer and give it a refresher. If you haven’t yet read this, you need to pick it up tomorrow and get started.

Part One – Fundamental Techniques to Handle People – Three principles

1. Don’t Criticize, Condem, or Complain….

With people we aren’t normally dealing with creatures of logic and rationality and so to criticize creates a defensive posture. Use your language to find ways to provide more praise then condemnation. (Of course in some situations you want direct and honest feedback or you need to provide it but only when your recipient is open to that approach otherwise you won’t get far).

On the issue of complaining, simply put: avoid complaining. One of the best tips I continue to use is to:  Listen to yourself for the next 24 hours and notice, how many complaints come out of your mouth.  I bet you never realize how prevalent it is in our culture…  Become aware,  and stamp out the complaining in your life. Be grateful what you have, find excuses to be happy and shut up about the weather…You’ll be glad you did

2. Give Honest and Sincere Appreciation

There is only one way to get anybody to do anything: You have to make that person want to do it. People want to feel important, bottom line.  My favorite quote from this section:  “Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson

Important: This principle is not about flattery. That is why it says “Honest and Sincere” appreciation.

3.  Arouse in the Other Person an Eager Want

I love the example of the letter to the college boys who wouldn’t take the time to correspond with their mother, how happened to be Andrew Carnegie’s sister. Mr. Carnegie wagers that he can get the boys to respond immediately. He writes the letter to the boys indicating he is including some money but doesn’t include the actual $5 bill. The boys immediately write back reminding him that he failed to include the money in the original letter..  If you can create thoughts of what that person wants or frankly wants to avoid,  you will be able to move them very easily.  Like the laws of motion (an object at rest tends to remain at rest) if they don’t have a desire to move then they simply won’t move. You need to provide the external stimulus to get that object moving. You need to either mine, or create that eager want.

More Tomorrow of the other parts of the book….